I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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