why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
