The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
