FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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