Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The ass gains better be worth it
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
