I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
