so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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