I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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