Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
