Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
