Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
