Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
