the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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