my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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