Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
