One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
