ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
