My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
