i'm signing you up for texting rehab
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
