You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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