just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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