How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
