What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
