Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
