I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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