remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
