I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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