You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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