Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
