i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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