I think I died a long time ago.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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