I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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