No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
