I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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