the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
