dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
