She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
