Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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