never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
