awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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