apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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