it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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