Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
