Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
