You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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