Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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