be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
