Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
