i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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