I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
