i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
