He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
