Betty ford says i'm here all night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
