i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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