He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
