Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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