Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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