i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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