The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
