For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
