alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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