So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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