So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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