Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
