im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
