he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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