I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
