I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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